Dealing with My MIDLIFE CRISIS in My 50s

At 52 I’m realizing that I’m in the midst of a midlife crisis. This was completely unexpected.

Feeling the Clock Ticking Away as I Enter Middle Age

Sometime in the last decade I felt like time was literally taking over my life.  It was ticking away and I needed to do something about it.  

Something like a path to greater things. But time was running out.

But I chose the wrong path to deal with the second half of my life.

Defining the Dreaded Midlife Crisis

Before we get too far into talking about this “crisis” thing, let’s actually look at the definition of a MLC.

Merriam Webster defines it as “A period of emotional turmoil in middle age characterized especially by a strong desire for change.”

Do you ever feel this way?  Comment below.

Of course, this is a very oversimplified definition,  but I feel this pretty much nails how I feel and what I’m going through right now. AND have been going through for YEARS!  10 years. 

How I Realized I Was in a Midlife Crisis

As I was reviewing the footage from this last spring while I traveled Arizona and California with my now ex-boyfriend I realized something – I was simply trying to survive psychologically.  

I’m watching a sad woman pretend she’s happy, lying to herself. 

That woman this last spring wasn’t me.  She was a shell of Allie.  Someone that wasn’t reaching her full potential.

At this time I gave in and lived with somebody that I truly didn’t like, but I loved him if that makes sense. I guess you could say I cared deeply about him so I thought I would like him eventually.  

How could I live with someone I don’t even like?

I guess the answer could be we have a history that is so intertwined. And in the past I did like him.   He was fun, everyday we would do something fun. Maybe that’s the problem, everyday can’t be fun. 

I feel I was escaping truly growing up.  I wanted to just have fun everyday. And had followed the wrong path. 

But how did I get here? Maybe it happened when the reality of my divorce hit me in 2015.  

Almost 10 Years Ago : Is this When the Midlife Crisis Started?

My divorce was final in January of 2015.  I felt free!  Free to pursue the life I wanted without the mental baggage that I fought so hard to overcome.  The last few years of my marriage and during the early months after my divorce I made huge strides in making amends with my kids.  We had open discussions about how I could be the mother they always needed because during my marriage I was stressed and angry.  And wasn’t there for them.

I remember one day driving with my eldest son, I believe he was 15 at the time, this was my opportunity to speak with him about the divorce his father and I just announced the day before.  

I wanted him to know he could tell me anything, even if it hurt me to hear that he’s hurting because of me.  He opened up and what he said changed my life forever “you are an angry mother.”  

“You are an angry mother.“

This hit me HARD and I felt deep sadness for him that I didn’t give him a better mother, the mother every child deserves.  All I could say at the time was “I’m so sorry and going forward I will work very hard to not be angry like that anymore.” 

Those couple of years after my divorce were tough financially and mentally but I made it and I was proud of the woman I was becoming.  My relationships with my 2 young adult children were growing stronger all the time.  I had a career with a startup that was advancing nicely.  And I felt strong physically and mentally.

Life was grand.  I even sold my home with a decent amount of equity in it so that I was ready to buy another home somewhere I could afford to live.

The Midlife CRASH!

Then it all came apart. The life I was building started to unravel in 2019 when I got laid off and in 2020 when the pandemic hit.  I wasn’t doing well psychologically but who was during this time of turmoil? 

I decided to go against my usual character and throw caution to the wind.  I was tired of living the way society wanted me to.  I had always gotten straight A’s in school, got married and had kids, bought a house to live in suburbia, etc., you know, the American Dream. 

I was lying to myself. 

Honestly, I wanted the husband and kids but not the suburban life.  At one time I almost convinced my now ex-husband that we should sell everything and live in an RV.  He was all on board until, rationally, he knew it would be a financial strain and possible emotional strain to all of us and we aborted that plan.  

So 20 years later I bought the RV and hit the road full time.

I Thought I Was Headed in the Right Path

And this leads me to today.  I no longer have an RV, I don’t even have a vehicle.  I have no income.  And I’m doing something I swore I’d never do again – live with my mom.

I’m beyond disappointed in myself.  At 52 I feel like a failure.  

I feel like I’m in the dreaded Midlife Crisis.  

I thought that was behind me with the therapy and making amends with my kids.  

But I believe for the last 10 years I’ve been going through a midlife crisis and didn’t realize it.  

I know now that I was avoiding growing up.  I was on a mission to just have fun.   I literally avoided responsibility as often as I could.

When I watched the footage from this last spring it hit me that I was still struggling mentally and if I don’t fix this, well, I HAVE TO.  

Moving On : Ending the Midlife Crisis

I have so much life ahead of me and I want to live it feeling like I look forward to my future, not looking back at what could have been and making the same stupid mistakes over and over.

So what happened along the way?  What derailed me?  How can I fix this so I get past this midlife crisis and on to living that great path I set myself on 10 years ago?

This is such a big topic for me at this stage of my life that I need to dig deep into why I’m having this crisis and I want to take you with me.  I feel I’m on this path of enlightenment and it’s just around the corner.  

For the next few weeks I’m going to discuss this in my videos.  I feel this is a great time to do this since I’m safe and secure at mom’s.  

It’s time to revamp my life and I’m taking you with me!

Let me know in the comments below if you have any advice for me on getting past this or if you’ve experienced a MLC crisis yourself.

Catch the video below & more in my special Midlife Crisis YouTube Playlist : Realizing I’m in a Midlife Crisis

YouTube : Watch My Midlife Crisis Unfold Below

Thank You for Stopping By!

I’m Allie. At 48 I set out solo to live in my RV. That journey is on hold but my passions for hiking and living well in my 50s still live on! Join me below for more inspiration and adventures. We’re older but even stronger!

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